Every time I come back home, I am so incredibly humbled. Last time around it was about learning to walk humbly with the teachings God has blessed me with. He has opened my eyes to so much and I’ve just wanted to share about it all the time. I’m sure it drove some people crazy. I hope not. I see the “my bad” in the process and had to repent for overwhelming people sometimes.
This time around it is dying to myself in the area of false humility. That one has been an ongoing pride struggle but more and more I am learning the better way. It’s the Asian-within. It’s so deeply rooted and it’s everywhere in Asia. Just sharing from my own background since that’s obviously what I would know, ppl in Taiwan are notorious for this. When they give a gift, of course, the fighting that it’s too much, they can’t receive it, goes underway. But if they do receive it, they never receive it with their heart because they will be so indebted to the gift-giver. On the surface it seems harmless. Not wanting to be unappreciative is probably where it started from, but it’s now become a problem of not being able to even appreciate the gift. There’s that lie that nothing can be without strings attached to it that is laced into all of that. A burden is now attached to this gift. What will the person think if I don’t give them something in return? How will others see it? I must give back this generosity and also to save “face.” Saving face = Pride. And fortunately (though painfully), God is a hater of pride and is ruthless about getting rid of all of it in our hearts.
He has definitely been doing that to me and getting rid of my false humility. I have such a hard time receiving gifts without feeling the burden of giving something back to them. Stemming deep deep down out of….fear of man. What they will think if I don’t reciprocate with some sort of appreciation of my thanks, usually resulting in another gift/service. And it brings me MORE anxiety because I usually don’t know how I can repay them. Especially now where my tangible resources are limited. It was eating me up. I was being overwhelmed by this feeling of burden and anxiety. Seriously like…consumed. It felt horrible.
It has to do with my ability to love God. If I cannot receive more of His grace freely, without this burden of feeling I owe it to Him to work for Him and offer my life to Him, it’s not out of genuine love and appreciation. And I limit my ability to receive and understand more of His grace for my life. I cannot possibly even begin to “repay” the Lord because the debt is just too vast. No one can. And I don’t think I fully understand that still. Like I can know it in my head, it is WOW a huge debt. But the magnitude of that debt, I have literally…No Idea. Jesus coming to earth to die for me. It’s so simple but the depth of that cost is everything.
I have been getting a lot of help from my home church to assist in my fundraising efforts and this is what has burdened me to no end. I can’t help but try to think how I can thank all the people that are helping. However, unfortunately I don’t know exactly who is involved and what exactly may be behind the scenes. And it has been eating away at me. I was thinking of ways I can bless them and going over things in my head, especially for people I don’t have a strong relationship with. I just feel even worse and more indebted. They don’t even know me and they are helping with this. After feeling miserable, God just had me sit with Him and He just held me as I cried. He just reminded me again that I am His daughter and that is my identity, first and foremost. I don’t have to do anything, I don’t have to change anything. I just got to REST. With the Lord. Rest.
It was wonderful. Finally today, I’ve had it. I finally see the light and LET GO. Let go of trying to give back from a place of feeling indebted. Even this help through church is too vast for me to give back. Jesus’ love is far greater and wider than that. I could never give back. But today I choose to give out of a place of thankfulness and not out of indebtedness. There is quite a difference. But today I gained some greater freedom.
