Munchieveggie

So if you haven’t heard I applied for DTS and am still waiting on hearing back and getting the official acceptance about it. I am nervous/anxious/scared/anxious/nervous/ did i mention scared? and I can’t help it. I need to just get all this internal turmoil out on “paper” and make sense of it all cuz right now I am like a mess inside.

Part of me is saying…Omgosh what are you doing with your life? You are throwing your whole future out the window.

The other part of me is saying….what am I talking about? How does a 6 month trip throw my whole future out the window? Stop being melodramatic. This will be an amazing, awesome, eye-opening, exhilarating, interesting, beyond my expectations type of trip, so I should stop being scared and paranoid and nervous and just TRUST in the Lord and allow Him to reveal all things in time.

And then the other part of me is saying….okay… That all sounds very nice and dandy. Now what about your job. How are you going to dish out your termination to them? Do I even WANT to tell them my plans? Are they going to think I am a religious-fanatic weirdo? Is there any way to bite my tongue and now let the truth roll off my tongue and confess how extremely awful the work has been and how much it has pained me to work there for the past year? No no no…I won’t say that. It has definitely stretched me in terms of professional growth tremendously from where I first started and I am very grateful for that.

Then there’s the finances. What the heck am I thinking? Every day I swear, if it’s not another report about how bad the national deficit is, it’s a report about how no one can find jobs, how unfortunate this year’s and last year’s graduates are. It’s just like all spiraling downward, all the while I am SO CONFUSED AS TO WHERE ALL THE MONEY IN THE WORLD HAS GONE! There’s only a finite amount of money, so where are people stashing it that causes every single budget to become so ridiculously tight? I don’t understand finance whatsoever.

Anyways so thats a big worry. DTS lays quite a hefty price tag for a 6 month trip and I was thinking that even if I send out support letters to all of my friends, I still don’t see how that would come close to denting it. I guess I also have a pride issue with sending support letters. It hurts my silly ego to have to do it and depend on people cuz it makes me feel like a pity case, “oh, another one of those people going to missions/DTS, asking for money.” I like to do things on my own. They need a recession price for it man…like 40% off or something. Hahah

On top of that, I feel a bit sad that I’ll have to leave, considering Focus has so much going on right now and I am excited for what is to come! There’s retreat planning getting started, there’s new small groups forming, there’s awesome people and leaders I will be leaving, and I love listening to their insights and visions. There’s another outreach organization that I want to get Focus or Salt & Light involved in, which lately (lately as in more like….the past year) I have dropped the ball on and got lazy about.

Then there’s the part where I have to break it to my mom which I am reserving for AFTER i find out I am going fo shoo…. There will be a massive explosion at the Tsai residence when that comes, where the windows of the house will shatter due to my mom’s exploding voice of condemnation and disappointment and bickering and…omgosh. I don’t even want to continue to imagine. Shudder. She will have quite a fit. Am I ready for that? I don’t think anyone is ever ready for her.

And then thinking about severing myself from the financial security of consistent paychecks, health insurance, life insurance, it is difficult. Once you have it, it’s so hard to part from it. But thank goodness for COBRA laws! http://www.dol.gov/ebsa/faqs/faq_consumer_cobra.HTML

My friend Paul told me about this when we were griping about our jobs! Whew! That at least makes me not feel so scared about losing health insurance if I quit my job.

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flee23ii: COBRA?
dont join cobra
then  u hafta fight the GI joes

Hahah Why do I know this kid?

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Yeahhh….! So wow, I definitely had not SERIOUSLY measured the weight of this decision about DTS until afterwards. My life is going on a detour, that’s what’s going on. Change can be painful. X(

In the beginning when I told people, I was a little confused because I was getting responses like REALLLY?? WOW….that’s such a big decision! And then i would like pause….tilt my head to the side (o.o)? Wondering why I didn’t think it was sucha big deal, since it’s like commiting to going to a missions trip but just for a longer period of time. Naive. So naive.

But now…..I think I understand. Not many people are willing to cut 6 months out of their life for an experience like this. Or maybe they’re willing but it is difficult to act upon that desire. You really have to cut yourself out from everything to go. At least for me it seems like it is turning out that way. If I had decided to go right after college I feel like maybe it wouldnt’ be half as hard as it is now.

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Why is work like 1000x more difficult this week? I see the light at the end of the tunnel yet it still seems so far away before I can reach it. UGHHHHHH!

I see September as a month of change for me. Good change. Needed change. Hopefully.

Sidenote: I thought this was so funny hahaha. I borrowed the book The Five Love Languages from Josh Birk, which BTW he put his seal “Library of Josh Birk” on AND which I had to put down a $10 deposit for. I had a good laugh when he told me. Then I forked up the $10 bucks. Haven’t even finished the last book yet which has taken me months to read. Now I’m itching to dive into this book, but it bugs me when I haven’t finished a book and it’s not a bad book either.

There has been a recurring theme a few people in my life have conveyed to me these past few weeks through their personal observations of Christians in their lives… Aside from Christ himself, living out your Christian values is probably the biggest draw for non-Christians to Christ. The heaviest argument nonbelievers use when they say why they themselves don’t go to church is the hypocrites factor. They see so many examples of Christians who talk the talk but don’t…..you know where I’m going. It’s so difficult though, I say. Christians are far from perfect. We go to church for a reason. Because you and I are hypocrites by nature but we go to church for treatment and remedy.

Both people I spoke to did say there were good examples as well, that they saw. (Thank God.) And they appreciate that they stick to their word. They practice the values they say they believe.

Perhaps that is one point God is really trying to drive in with me. How important it is to continue persevering, despite how weary sometimes we may feel. =T For me personally, living at home has been such a struggle, sort of like a personal missions field, if you will, when I am the only one in my family that pursues this faith. But one morning my mom and I were disagreeing with how much time she thought I was spending with church activities, one of our frequent arguments about it. She thought it was unhealthy and being so rooted in a religion could be dangerous and misleading. I can see where she gets that and sometimes I do have some fears that I could potentially step out of line with it and get consumed with legalistic aspects of it. But then I have to shake it off because that’s not what it’s about. I challenged her and asked where she saw it has been unhealthy in my life. So she racked her brain for a comeback and was not able to think of one. Thankfully. Blameless is how we’ve been called to live, as hopeless as it may seem. I have had to learn to hold my tongue and my temper more and more. I’d like to see it as a win for God. 😛

I couldn’t find/think of a verse I remember reading that thought was appropriate, but this will do:

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.
Hebrews 12: 1

Song of the moment that I am loving: “How He Loves Us.” Kim Walker/David Crowder Band. Whatever version. Encountering the love of God is what changes us from the walk we walked before.

Today Oswald says:

When prayer seems to be unanswered, beware of trying to place the blame on someone else. That is always a trap of Satan. When you seem to have no answer, there is always a reason— God uses these times to give you deep personal instruction, and it is not for anyone else but you.

Clearly I have started using my WordPress as a spiritual blog for ramblings and thoughts. I write about nothing else. Or maybe I have nothing to write about. Pretty much my life fits into 2 categories: Work & Church. It is a sad sad thing. I am excited for the Timothy Retreat coming up in 2 weeks. I am hoping for a good time of encouragement and really being replenished spiritually, for that motivation, for that greater joy and hunger again. Work sucks me dry. Weekends fill me spiritually. And I try my best to continually fill myself spiritually during the week. But it is definitely difficult to find the time, find the energy, and to find the heart sometimes. I enjoy praying in the car but sometimes my mind just wants to stay idle and turned off during the daily commute into work. Out of work I try to destress and relax which also calls for my mind to stop turning its wheels and just be. I have a like/hate relationship with work right now. I like my coworkers, respect them, feel like an integral part of projects, but at the same time would put me in a difficult place if i were to leave at any given time. I am knee-deep in some projects that I feel like it would be completely inconsiderate to leave in the midst of the work. I hate it because I miss my life. I hate it because I spend so much time having to learn about some aspect I dont’ understand or another regulation I need a better grasp on or just because projects always seem to drag on forever. Also, are not the miscellaneous tasks of life so annoying and time-consuming? If I count up the hours I work, I can literally spend hours just sending emails and most of it is administrative and do little to further the progress of any projects. Sigh. I am praying. And I am not hearing. And honestly it has been really angering. Angering because I don’t want to be where I am right now. Because I can see myself burning out easily and wanting to drop everything and turn my back, burning bridges just with one quick rash decision. I am trying not to get to that point but man I get so pestered. And consultants are so unappreciated. They do all the crap work. I feel like we do so much housekeeping tasks that accumulate for clients over time, where these projects seem so unsatisfying, meaningless, a waste of my energy and efforts.

So I am seeking for a lesson somewhere in the midst of this. Is this for personal training perhaps? Building my patience? I think waiting is one of the most difficult aspects of obedience.

I don’t think I’ve even jotted it down yet but I want to because i don’t want to forget and want it documented so I can continually come back to this post and remember.

So the last service before Tanny left for Thailand, July 19th, at the end of service Pastor jaime called people up to the front to be prayed for, those that were hurting/frustrated/confused/struggling, what have you. Tanny had recently told me just about all the chaos she was feeling right before she had to leave with selling her car and barriers with that, packing, etc. She just felt confused and in one of those moments she says she gets into when she feels without energy, vigor or any hope to do anything. So we went up to pray and leaders are walking around praying for everyone. And Ms. Helen comes and prays for us both and her being ms. prayer warrior is completely amazing. When she prays for me, it was awesome awesome awesome. Her prayers are so full of the Spirit and her prophetic words I hope ring true. From what I remember of it, this is what she said God was speaking to her about:

1) That my family would be saved. [Long time prayer request.]

2) That my family would be saved. [Long time prayer request.]

3) That my mom would be saved.  [Especially long time prayer request.]

4) That God would break the generational chains and break the bonds from idolatry that plagues my [Buddhist] family. [Hallaleuh (cant spell)]

5) Personally, not to be afraid. That God has his path set our for me. Not to be afraid. [I think this might be for my prayer requests about my complete confusion and fear for what lies for me in the future and where to go next.]

Okay…jotted. But I was soooo happy after that prayer time. Though I may see nothing now, but hopefully Ms. Helen’s prophetic words ring true. And I will have to definitely blog about it then. Praiseeeee God. 🙂

Learning About His Ways

When Jesus finished commanding His twelve disciples . . . He departed from there to teach and to preach in their cities —Matthew 11:1

He comes where He commands us to leave. If you stayed home when God told you to go because you were so concerned about your own people there, then you actually robbed them of the teaching of Jesus Christ Himself. When you obeyed and left all the consequences to God, the Lord went into your city to teach, but as long as you were disobedient, you blocked His way. Watch where you begin to debate with Him and put what you call your duty into competition with His commands. If you say, “I know that He told me to go, but my duty is here,” it simply means that you do not believe that Jesus means what He says.

He teaches where He instructs us not to teach.“Master . . . let us make three tabernacles . . .” ( Luke 9:33 ).

Are we playing the part of an amateur providence, trying to play God’s role in the lives of others? Are we so noisy in our instruction of other people that God cannot get near them? We must learn to keep our mouths shut and our spirits alert. God wants to instruct us regarding His Son, and He wants to turn our times of prayer into mounts of transfiguration. When we become certain that God is going to work in a particular way, He will never work in that way again.

He works where He sends us to wait. “. . . tarry . . . until . . .” (Luke 24:49 ). “Wait on the Lord” and He will work (Psalm 37:34 ). But don’t wait sulking spiritually and feeling sorry for yourself, just because you can’t see one inch in front of you! Are we detached enough from our own spiritual fits of emotion to “wait patiently for Him”? ( Psalm 37:7 ). Waiting is not sitting with folded hands doing nothing, but it is learning to do what we are told.

These are some of the facets of His ways that we rarely recognize.