Munchieveggie

It’s finally hitting me that I am leaving in a week. The family, the relationships that are in my life, that I have spent all my years building when I lived here long-term… Now I am leaving again for who knows how long. And the difficulty in that reality is sobering me up once again. It was already painful to see how my relationships with people at home were strained by distance and time this past year. Having the few months at home were definitely a gift from the Lord to reconnect where I could. At times, it even felt like, to salvage what I could. But even these few months are too short, and I’m left realizing that the relationships I have been re-cultivating, I must leave again and it’s…so sad. I am thankful though. He didn’t have to give me this time. Where my other staff members spent time in New Zealand for our staff debrief time mourning the homes they were to leave because God spoke clearly to not return to their hometowns this time, I am getting to that point. Instead of perhaps mourning the home I will not return to, this time I am mourning the loss of the relationships I have to leave here once again. I’m sad I will miss the babies being birthed, the engagements, the weddings, the new homes, so much. So much. That was one thing why coming home was so difficult. The cost of following Jesus is again so blatantly in your face.

Yes, Jesus is worth it. That question does not need to be re-evaluated, but the loss is still real and the mourning over the cost is necessary. I definitely can’t just toughen up and force myself to get over it, because God never wants that. The scab will still be there. But it’s the comforting by Holy Spirit that will heal and bring light and perspective to the hurt.

So God is re-evaluating my perspective once again and I am reminded by Him that each relationship in my life, whether deep or shallow, whether long or short, is a blessing He has given to me. And it is my choice how I cultivate it and how I nurture it. My choice whether I fight for it or allow it to fade. Of course He ultimately has the last say in the circumstances of how that will play out. But in this time it’s bringing it all back once again. It’s about love and it’s about relationships. Our relationship with God first and foremost but our relationships with people too. Apart from it, we have nothing else worth living for.

Least I know, in the mourning, I have walked through something Jesus had to walk through Himself on earth. And I have the privilege to help someone else walk through it too.

Merry Christmas!

Every time I come back home, I am so incredibly humbled. Last time around it was about learning to walk humbly with the teachings God has blessed me with. He has opened my eyes to so much and I’ve just wanted to share about it all the time. I’m sure it drove some people crazy. I hope not. I see the “my bad” in the process and had to repent for overwhelming people sometimes.

This time around it is dying to myself in the area of false humility. That one has been an ongoing pride struggle but more and more I am learning the better way. It’s the Asian-within. It’s so deeply rooted and it’s everywhere in Asia. Just sharing from my own background since that’s obviously what I would know, ppl in Taiwan are notorious for this. When they give a gift, of course, the fighting that it’s too much, they can’t receive it, goes underway. But if they do receive it, they never receive it with their heart because they will be so indebted to the gift-giver. On the surface it seems harmless. Not wanting to be unappreciative is probably where it started from, but it’s now become a problem of not being able to even appreciate the gift. There’s that lie that nothing can be without strings attached to it that is laced into all of that. A burden is now attached to this gift. What will the person think if I don’t give them something in return? How will others see it? I must give back this generosity and also to save “face.” Saving face = Pride. And fortunately (though painfully), God is a hater of pride and is ruthless about getting rid of all of it in our hearts.

He has definitely been doing that to me and getting rid of my false humility. I have such a hard time receiving gifts without feeling the burden of giving something back to them. Stemming deep deep down out of….fear of man. What they will think if I don’t reciprocate with some sort of appreciation of my thanks, usually resulting in another gift/service. And it brings me MORE anxiety because I usually don’t know how I can repay them. Especially now where my tangible resources are limited. It was eating me up. I was being overwhelmed by this feeling of burden and anxiety. Seriously like…consumed. It felt horrible.

It has to do with my ability to love God. If I cannot receive more of His grace freely, without this burden of feeling I owe it to Him to work for Him and offer my life to Him, it’s not out of genuine love and appreciation. And I limit my ability to receive and understand more of His grace for my life. I cannot possibly even begin to “repay” the Lord because the debt is just too vast. No one can. And I don’t think I fully understand that still. Like I can know it in my head, it is WOW a huge debt. But the magnitude of that debt, I have literally…No Idea. Jesus coming to earth to die for me. It’s so simple but the depth of that cost is everything.

I have been getting a lot of help from my home church to assist in my fundraising efforts and this is what has burdened me to no end. I can’t help but try to think how I can thank all the people that are helping. However, unfortunately I don’t know exactly who is involved and what exactly may be behind the scenes. And it has been eating away at me. I was thinking of ways I can bless them and going over things in my head, especially for people I don’t have a strong relationship with. I just feel even worse and more indebted. They don’t even know me and they are helping with this. After feeling miserable, God just had me sit with Him and He just held me as I cried. He just reminded me again that I am His daughter and that is my identity, first and foremost. I don’t have to do anything, I don’t have to change anything. I just got to REST. With the Lord. Rest.

It was wonderful. Finally today, I’ve had it. I finally see the light and LET GO. Let go of trying to give back from a place of feeling indebted. Even this help through church is too vast for me to give back. Jesus’ love is far greater and wider than that. I could never give back. But today I choose to give out of a place of thankfulness and not out of indebtedness. There is quite a difference. But today I gained some greater freedom.

Sometimes I get inspired to write something in this blog. However, it then never makes it into words because I lose inspiration as I start writing and then I stop. But I won’t let it get to me this time! I am determined to have it written before I change my mind and turn the other way.

So I went to my dentist who’ve I’ve gone to basically all my life today. They’re like aunts/uncles because they “know” (from your records at least) that they haven’t seen you in a long time, even though I may have an entirely different dentist than the last few times I’ve been back. And they kind of give you that disapproving yet teasing kind-of-look. Anyways, I was telling them about my dentist appointment in Hawaii because I was moving out there in January and how they used this hi-tech laser wand thing that checks the bone-density of each tooth. Depending on the level of bone density of the tooth, it will beep or not beep. So for 4 teeth, it beeped meaning there was evidence of bone decay, which means <<dun dun DUNNN>> “cavity.” And I told her I only got 2 cavities filled just because even after insurance it was expensive!

But my dentist Dr. Hua (this really fun Vietnamese-Chinese lady) was totally like ohhh noo! It’s all a trick. They think they have those fancy-schmacy new technology but the old version with x-ray checks of some of the back teeth and then cleanings are the best way. It’s more accurate. And I had to agree with her. She was saying all the technology just makes it so complicated but it’s not as accurate. And then I told her about how I did get a full panoramic X-ray of my teeth so it could show placement and all of that of my teeth and wisdom teeth. And she looked alarmed again saying, Ohhh. Make sure you only get that done every 5 years. You don’t want too many X-rays because it’s not good. But for simple tooth X-rays, those are good every 18 months. (Something like that.) But I realized the Hawaii dentist didn’t even warn me! Just because I was a new patient, I needed it was basically the procedure. He doesn’t even care about how the rays will affect me! Hmmph!

I asked also about wisdom teeth and whether people HAD to get them out. And my dentist was like, well, it depends. Because more people are getting their teeth corrected, some dentists fear that if wisdom teeth come in, it may crowd the rest of the teeth. But that doesn’t happen for every person. And if the wisdom teeth doesn’t come in at all, it’s just underneath the gum and it’s not an issue. For the ones that do come out, if you can reach it w/ ur toothbrush and clean it well and cavities aren’t an issue, then don’t bother getting them out. Some dentists are just afraid it can be an issue and suggest just removing them. And then she added, some dentists think that if they say you have beautiful teeth and there’s nothing wrong, they haven’t really done much. But if they say there’s lots of problems, they can be the hero to save the day and save your teeth. (Basically it’s an insecurity issue!) We had a good laugh. 

I feel bad for wisdom teeth. They have gotten such a bad rep! They just get pulled out with no chance to just “be” who they are. Even before they may (or never will) be an issue, through people’s fear, they don’t even get a chance. Fear-inspired removal. It made me feel a lot better. I was getting a little worried that I would “have to” get my wisdom-teeth out but the expenses are so much for them. So it was relieving to hear that. Whew! Healthcare in this country, seriously. We must intercede for affordable healthcare for all people.

So all-in-all, I had a feeling the Hawaii dentist was just ripping off his patients because it was apparent he was doing really well, with the most hi-tech gadgets (not just dentistry) but other fanciness in his office. So the justice in me flaired up and I have to protect other patients from getting ripped off! That song “seek justice, love mercy, walk humbly with your God” came up in my head. First I had to forgive my dentist in my heart. Then I’m gonna be proactive and call my dentist up and get my X-rays from him! Then, let him know how unfair he was to his patients and challenge him. It’s just unfair. There’s so many poor people that live in Hawaii already. They don’t need to be overcharged by greedy dentists.

Heehee, my dentist also showered me with goodies for my trip back since I wont’ probably see them for a while. I love goodies from the dentist. 😀

Clearly I have not been doing a good job updating this blog. I usually get too lazy to share about my thoughts because there’s just too much to update and too much fleshing out of what I even feel/sense. That by the time I have sorted it, I have already lost the desire to write about it. My journal too has been so empty because I’m a bit too lazy to write in it and it would take too long. Therefore, my next attempt is to at least try to blog more because typing is much faster and it doesn’t let me complain it takes too long to write out my thoughts. Good thing I would consider myself a fast typer.

So! This leading outreach business is no walk in the park. If there was no spiritual warfare involved then it would be. And if the heart was not as deceitful as it is (Jeremiah 17:9), it would be all peaches and rainbows. But I guess that also is part of the fun, if you’re in a place to be able to see it as is. God really blessed our team with a wonderful Sabbath day together. He could not have orchestrated it better but He really showed me the grossness of my heart through my actions as I realized how I had been replaying a lot of the realizations I thought I had gotten breakthrough in. Apparently I was reverting back to many old ways of thinking without knowing it and though I know it in my mind, my actions were not reflecting the change. So somewhere there was a disconnect between my mind and my heart. And as the Bible says, it’s the inside of the cup that needs to be cleaned, and clearly my heart needs to be cleaned of the old ways/habits. Some God is still walking me through and re-training me in the way I think.

—————-

So I took a break writing this post and God has already been speaking and convicting me of so many things in a brief span of time of just talking with Onania, our host contact here in Guam! She is so gifted in teaching and flows with the Spirit of the Lord because of the intimate relationship she has with Him. It’s so crazy. She talked about how she learned how to breathe properly in swimming when she spent a little over a year in Taiwan from her swim instructor. And I just started laughing at the way she was showing me the right technique for swimming in water because it speaks so directly to me. God has talked to me about that toward the beginning of staffing DTS. I went to the swimming pool w/ Sam and Ali, my leaders one morning because I felt the Lord telling me too (despite the early morning). And I was swimming with the Lord and He was getting me to practice breathing while I swam. It was so difficult because I’m not a good swimmer and my breathing is all wrong. At the time I wasn’t wearing goggles while I swam laps but if I don’t wear goggles, I swim in like circles in the lanes. So I just keep hitting the lane lines. And oh, it’s horrible. It’s like a poor swimmer, zigzagging in the lane lines, constantly bumping into them. Therefore, I tried opening my eyes more in water but when I did that, I couldn’t breathe properly. And I realized I definitely can’t open my eyes AND breathe out at the same time.

It was just difficult and God was relating that to my walk with Him. That as He reveals more about the right technique of “breathing” with the Lord all throughout the day, it’s not difficult to walk with Him throughout the day. It’s like if you learn the right technique to breathe while swimming, it’s not difficult to swim long periods of time. You gotta breathe right with the Lord. And God has really been showing me how to do that, without needing to isolate myself and get re-energized in a quiet time with the Lord as often. Instead, it’s relationship with Him 24/7 and praying continuously. (Which doesn’t look like the “religious” praying style but as if I’m talking to a best friend 24/7 kind of style.) It’s completely different.

Anyways, I am rambling as of right now. But hopefully you get my drift. God is just so extremely faithful. Oh! I forgot! Anyways, Onania also mentioned about the importance of journaling and it totally convicted me. Because of what I just written in this blog from the beginning. And she was saying how the spiritual authority we carry is only because we have lived out what we know. And from the God encounters we have, it’s not enough just to know them in our minds and hearts, but it’s another step to get them out “on paper” and it truly fulfills in a sense “Your Kingdom come, Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven.” It’s a co-creation with the Lord of His working in my life and then me bringing what was just an idea into written and/or spoken form. And when I look back on what I have written, I can use those God encounters as fuel for my walk with the Lord or as testimonies to share later to others. It’s like what it says in Matthew 13:52 ~ “[Jesus] said to them, ‘Therefore every teacher of the law who has been instructed about the kingdom of heaven is like the owner of a house who brings out of his storeroom new treasures as well as old.'”

I love how God’s Word stands the test of time. Only Truth can do that. Amene! 🙂

Sometimes it feels like the PACE God is moving things is intensifying. However, God is stretching us so that we can continue to run at this greater pace to be ready for what’s to come.

The spiritual battle is going on all the time but I don’t even think I realize it half the time. Especially while in America. Perhaps I’ve fallen under it that I don’t realize what I’ve fallen under. And it’s a shame. Once I let myself “go” and relax in the sense of not being “alert and self-controlled” in my heart posture, (not to say we don’t find REST in God’s presence), I start to feel my heart being guided back to subtle old ways.

But I stand in the place of victory and not seeking to obtain the victory because of Christ Jesus. And so interesting the mystery of Christ. I know but a grain of sand amidst a shore of sand grains of who God is. But even what I think I know, He blows to smithereens all the time. And it’s those times of blowing my understanding of Him into smithereens that are the most humbling and at the same time the most freeing moments.

These days I’ve been wrestling away from the “striving” of my heart back to “resting” in God’s presence continually. And what I am beginning to ask myself all the time is, do I feel like I “have to” do this, or do I “want to” do this because I love the Lord?

And it has made all the difference! I’ve heard this over and over and it’s nothing new under the sun, but with the amount of things on my plate it seems these days, I have to be back at this basic once again. Something God takes me through until I have it down pat. Even if I have something I “have to” do, such as a meeting or a small group, if God is not telling me do go, it becomes a like I “have to” versus, does God “want me to?” Once I start living this heart condition out in everything I do, the freedom of Christ is realized in my life. Nothing is burdensome anymore.

When I “have to” it becomes religion. When I “want to” because God “wants me to,” it becomes relationship with Jesus. And it’s not about emotions either because I don’t “want to” do a lot of things. I don’t “want to” love sometimes. But I “want to” please the Father and when He “wants me” to do something, even if I don’t feel like doing it, I will do it because I want to. I am talking in circles.

Sorry, I’m making something simple sound complicated. Makes sense in my mind tho!

WHAT a crazy few time it has been walking with God. This season I can tell my character is getting molded more and more and that I am at a greater level of relentless after purity in my own heart and wholeheartedness as I run after the Lord, greater than last quarter as I staffed in the Housing department on campus.

What has God been DOING? What has He not?

So last entry I spoke about the crazy Holy Spirit encounter I had with the Lord. It was exhilarating, exciting, stretched my understanding of what is possible, and showed me the self-control of God’s power. I was able to walk in a level of spiritual depth for about a week I’ve never experienced ever in my life. I honestly can say it felt like I was walking out in what Apostle Paul must have felt like in Acts. I mean I didn’t see necessarily healings everywhere I went, but I can definitely attest to walking in the power of the Lord wherever I went. Let me explain!

I was hearing God’s voice the clearest I have ever heard His voice. I was walking in a greater and deeper level of faith than I have ever walked in. I could have clear conversation with God all the time and it was delightful! It was the deepest place of intimacy I could feel because He was so near and everything I asked or spoke to Him, He would answer me. And the blessings that came forth from that! Just to express a FEW, because I could not even begin to write down everything just because there would be too much to write down! But just some of the things I was reminded of. And I share all these things to exalt the greatness of God. Please hear my heart in this. As much as it probably sounds like I’m exalting myself perhaps, I know that I cannot have known these things without God’s direction. And how blessed I was able to feel by being an instrument for His Kingdom and purpose:

-I usually always ask God what to wear in the morning, He helps dress me. And I have had to wrestle in the past about this because part of my mind is like, who cares what I’m wearing? God just wants me to slap something on so I can get my day started. But that’s totally the wrong mindset. God DOES care. He cares about each hair on my head, and He cares to such great detail about my every day. I was studying the book of Ruth and that was really highlighted to me as well in her life. So one of the days I was leading in class, God told me to wear a black T-shirt and sweatpants. It offended my mind already because I thought it looked so sloppy. But I did and it was kind of fun. It was freeing because it wasn’t something I would normally wear, but it ended up stretching a few other ppl because they were not used to someone leading a class wearing sweatpants. I tell you, God is no respecter of persons. He doesn’t care who is leading. If He chooses you, He qualifies you, justifies you.

-I’ve been doing a lot of fun things with God and slowing myself down to take His instructions and do it. I’ve gotten to paint with Him. I’ve gotten to clean my bathroom with God and He told me how to spray the cleaner bottle and how to streak it with the shower curtain. It was interesting. I did my hair with the Holy Spirit’s help one morning. I really fuss about my hair because I never know what to do with it and I never feel skilled enough to do anything fun with it. But I felt like God gave me clear instructions. He told me to section of parts of my hair and braid it. For the other parts to straighten it. After, he then told me to use the straightener to go over each braid and lock it in. Then put mousse through the braids then take it out. It was so much fun! It looked good too. SO much fun, I never would think to do stuff like that.

-God gave me the boldness to speak to one of the cashiers at a local supermarket just about how God loves Him. I was really apprehensive but I felt like God continued to encourage me. So I finally did it and I was with a few friends so knowing God I’m sure it stretched all of our faith.

-God gave me a clear bible passage for our staff team for preparation of a devotional in the morning. He gave me clear guidelines about how to lead that devotional. The word was challenging for all of us and continuing to keep us pressed into God for MORE of His amazingness. Each morning, God also was filling me with the Holy Spirit to pray out things He laid on my heart and not things I would typically say or think to pray. It brought much more fire and excitement to the prayer meetings. Ex: Feeling the nudgings of the Spirit to pray over our leader and give encouraging words to her and speak truth of who she is. (God knows exactly how we need to walk in the opposite spirit so it’s great to be sensing the Spirit’s leading.)

-Even during our class that all of the DTS staff have to take, I was really feeling a bit dry without the presence of the Spirit filling too much of the meeting time. But I was learning to continue to build up my Spirit throughout the time. At the end of the message and time for questions, I asked God if there was any specific question He wanted me to ask? For myself and to challenge all of us as believers. And He gave me this one question and I wrestled with my flesh still about whether it was from me or God and whether I should share or not. I really prefer to sit in the back and listen. But I spoke it out and even when I spoke it out I could feel the power of God’s presence upon my words and I knew He was with me. You could feel the spiritual shift happen. It was awesomeee 🙂

-It kind of felt like I was given almost a cheatsheet, or an answer to the next move to make this whole week. God told me to sit along this one wall on our campus. He gave me a picture of a man that would be walking past me down the hill to go to the bathroom. And He told me to pray for Him. And so I waited and at first a friend of mine came to talk to me and I was thinking, wait, was it this person I was supposed to pray for? But no it didn’t feel right in my Spirit. Until an older man did walk down the path and it was exactly like the picture God gave me, so I had to excuse myself from my friend and I went to go catch up with Him. And I felt like God said to impart faith in Him! And so I did. It felt so strange in my natural flesh but it was exhilarating in my Spirit.

-And it has been like that throughout that week, God highlighted people throughout the campus to speak words to. It wasn’t necessarily a typical long prophetic word. But it would be simple words, like “You are beautiful” (to random strangers, but knowing from a Kingdom perspective, to a sister…brother, etc.), or “God wants me to tell you He loves you soo much…” etc.

-God would give me specific instructions about how to stand in the room, how to worship, etc. And as I obeyed, it made all the difference. The Spirit continued to stir within my heart. It was wrecking my flesh outside because everything in my flesh wanted to hide and conform with what everyone else was doing! It was so tough to break out of that box in OBEDIENCE to the Lord’s word. But God would give me SUCH clear words for people in my class even. It was soooo cool! I’ve never been able to give such clear words to people before.

-God would have me sit in strategic spots too and be able to pray with certain ones, do specific things, etc. It was sooo cool.

-God would teach me what to say next in a conversation as I sought after His heart for whatever situation I was in. He would coach me in what to say, when to say, when to be quiet.

Ohhhh it was GLORIOUS! But at the same time, I struggled so much with PRIDE! It was so difficult having such clear discernment and the frustration that people weren’t at that level. And everything in me wanted to scream and encourage at the same time of how much MORE God wanted to pour out. Oh it was soooo challenging. I could feel myself getting more and more critical and I could also feel what the leaders of the Bible felt at times. Leading people with the power and discernment and the vision God gives these people yet having a people that do not understand and needing to lead in humility. Ohhh it was so challenging.

And I really struggled a lot about why God would give me such a radical week of power and grace like that. The week after, I struggled so badly about hearing His voice. It frustrated me to no end and I missed SOOO much the intimacy I once had with the Lord. But through it all God has brought so many heart issues of mine into the light. That HE is the Lord and His understanding His ways His thoughts are far above mine. And I’ve had to wrestle with whether I was doing something wrong, wrestle with whether He loved me, whether I had angered Him, whether…..a MILLION things. But I see now, to REST in His love. To know that He is God. And to be still.

That was long. But just unloading everything! The ugliness of myself surfaced itself and I was humbled once again.

I have so much to share. Walking with the Holy Spirit has been such a new adventure and a deeper journey in my faith than I have ever before encountered in my life. It all started from an encounter of God’s love for me last Friday. From that moment I have not been the same since. There is so much more to write about that but I don’t feel I am to write about that now. Life seems to have deepened a new dimension of God’s love and the power of His Spirit. I hope I am able to express even a glimpse of the emotions behind this new beginning.

My love for the Lord has increased 100-fold. It’s a richer, deeper intimacy than I have ever known. At times it has been some of the loneliest moments because only the Lord can comfort me and it spurs a deeper dependency on Him. However, at other times it has been the most exhilarating season of new growth and the possibilities overwhelm me. I feel like I was once riding on a bicycle with God and going at that pace, but now God has replaced my bicycle and upgraded me to one of those ATVs.

Yeahh…that picture is pretty BA. hahah It’s a good representation because it also shows that I need to wear more protective gear at this pace and intensity in the spiritual sense. That’s what I love about this journey with the Lord. There’s always more and it just gets more fun along the way. There has also been such an increase of divine appointments as I respond in obedience to everything God leads me to do. My ability to hear God clearer has increased and my willingness to ask Him what’s next has increased as well. It is in direct correlation to my love for Him and the level of intimacy I am at with Him.

That’s all I have to write for now. I think deep down in all of us, those that know God or don’t, we all long for the possibility that there could be more. For those that don’t know God, it would be the magic in stories, in Disney movies, in Harry Potter books, whatever else. For those that know God, it’s in Him and Him alone.

Are you anticipating the more? Because there’s so much more.

Psalm I am feeling: 63

O God, you are my God,
earnestly I seek you;
my soul thirsts for you,
my body longs for you,
in a dry and weary land
where there is no water.

I have seen you in the sanctuary
and beheld your power and your glory.
Because your love is better than life,
my lips will glorify you.
I will praise you as long as I live,
and in your name I will lift up my hands.
My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods;
with singing lips my mouth will praise you.

On my bed I remember you;
I think of you through the watches of the night.
Because you are my help,
I sing in the shadow of your wings.
My soul clings to you;
your right hand upholds me.

They who seek my life will be destroyed;
they will go down to the depths of the earth.
They will be given over to the sword
and become food for jackals.

But the king will rejoice in God;
all who swear by God’s name will praise him,
while the mouths of liars will be silenced.

……………………..

I LONG to worship right now.

I love this season I am in now with the Lord. I had my own personal breakthrough this past week as we learned about “The Heart of the Father.” We read the passage about the prodigal son and I love how there’s always more. When I used to sit in church, I never really got much deeper in my understanding of the parables beyond the surface levels. That’s on me though. My lack of searching, coming under the lie that, that’s all there is. But there TRULY is so much more, and thankfully God brings the revelations on if we seek it. So our leader Ben posed the question to all of us in class, where are you in the house? Are you outside? Are you inside?  And God showed me that I am in the house but I am in my own room and I locked the door to my own room. But God the Father wants me to open up my door and explore the rest of the house, not just His house, but OUR house. The vastness of this house, I myself am being stretched to explore more and more. I had to go deeper, asking God why I was content with my room, why I wasn’t opening the door. And once God broke down of that blockage and I realized where I stood, I pressed forward and unlocked my door, stepping into the unknown with the Lord in greater depths of faith. I am learning more about how to live in the Spirit. What does that mean? What does that look like daily? And with it comes the discipline of obedience. Each time it feels like I’m jumping off a cliff in faith once again. I thought it ended when I made the leap of faith to become a child of God through Jesus Christ. But no, it’s each step of faith and obedience. Whatever He says, will I do it? Will I believe? God is teaching me to shorten my response time to obey. It’s so interesting! God is showing me time and time again that each time I do step out in faith, as scary and unknown as it may seem, it always ends up working out. It just…DOES. I have a story about that I could share but too much to type for now.

“I am the Lord; that is my name! I will not yield my glory to another or my praise to idols.” Isaiah 42:8

Where are you in the house?

God is so faithful. Thank you Lord. I am always reminded but then when I forget He shows me again just HOW FAITHFUL HE IS. So many of my prayers have been answered, big and little. It’s amazing! It’s just so much fun. I’m also learning to be more creative with my prayers now.

God has really been helping me practice and enhance the gifting of the prophetic. I am definitely still in the places of INFANCY, but exciting nonetheless! Whenever I get the chance to, these days I have been practicing on whoever I pray for.

Anyways, what spurred this random, sporadic desire to blog was from this: I was skyping with a friend from home and I could just FEEL the heaviness of strongholds in that place. APATHY/COMPLACENCY, UNBELIEF most heavily. It made me REMEMBER how strong and heavy that oppression was, and WOAHH…was it difficult to go up against. When I was back at home, it was so difficult to pray, so difficult to muster up the strength and willpower to pray. Ohhh it was heavy. And I definitely did not have the discipline in my spirit to press through that by myself.

So I asked myself what can be done for a stronghold like APATHY/COMPLACENCY especially. To go in the opposite spirit would be to have PASSION. But that passion can only be spurred by the LOVE OF GOD. However, if you have no desire to pray, that passion for God cannot even be sustained. There’s such a great need for accountability, but more than that COMMUNITY. With authentic community, we build accountability. We must PRESS IN FACE FIRST (despite the unwillingness of our flesh) into prayer & fasting. Especially in my home area where authentic community is so scarce due to a number of reasons: packed schedules, anxieties of life, individualistic mindsets, etc., no wonder the church is so weakened in its current state. I’m so excited for NCFC’s 40 days of prayer campaign. Lord, move mountains through the prayers! Tear down strongholds! Open up the heavens over the church!

Just trying to strategize. It stirs a righteous anger in me against the enemy for the oppression of God’s people. We are hungry and thirsty for God, even if we don’t realize it. Also, I must prepare my heart before I go home, though it may still be months out. I just LONG for the church to bask in the His love so it can burn with passionate continuous zeal for the Lord. We must hear God out on how to overcome the strongholds of home. And I think it must start with authentic prayer communities.

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On a side note! The stars have been exceptionally beautiful! It looks like I can reach up into the sky and grab one down. That’s how close it looks. But while I was laying on my back, spending time with God, I got to a point of desperation in fight of any personal complacency that might rise up in my heart. And I (kindly) demanded the Lord for an encounter or revelation of His love each day. I DEMAND IT. The adamancy of my heart was kindled from seeing a friend’s jealous pursuit of the Lord. He tenaciously pursued after the Lord’s heart and WOULD NOT BE SATISFIED UNLESS GOD GAVE HIM A REVELATION OF HIS CHARACTER EACH DAY. And so I decided, it was time to stand firm in my own convictions. GOD has ALWAYS wanted to pour out more. It’s whether or not we want it. And how MUCH we want it.

So yes. LORD, I DEMAND A REVELATION OR ENCOUNTER OF YOUR LOVE DAILY. Otherwise, I am empty.

And then, as I gazed up at the stars a bit longer, admiring the beauty of His artwork and majesty…I saw my first shooting star. ❤ The Lord is good.